Blog Archives

the last row

10/1/2023

The last row was empty
except for me

I stayed there way too long
and the hard wood
misshaped my ass
because I sat there
for
hours
even after the lights turned out
and I got locked
inside

alone
in the church
with your casket
after everyone else
filed out
with tears and memories

When you told me you died
in the war
I believed you
but now that I think of it
I never saw you in uniform

I thought it strange when
I saw you at the local parade
leading a troop of boy scouts
a few years later

But maybe you had
a doppelgänger
who was all the things
you said
you
weren’t

I became more far-sighted
the older
I got
so I could see you more clearly now
than I did 50 years ago

The makeup the mortician applied
was another façade
you would have either hated
or loved

This was a meeting
I thought would yield
a different result

But I just quarreled with the devil
yet again
wondering if you
had made a deal
to come back again

When I got home
you were
sitting at
my dining room table
refusing to answer
when I asked you what you
were doing

and I reminded
myself
to go to your funeral again
tomorrow
to sit in
the last row
to live this day over again
for another
50 years

the special show

10/1/2023

Pins and needles
set in
as I began to wonder
if I got the special show
or if this was routine

I looked around for signs of which one
it was
but it’s harder to tell what’s fake
anymore

There was juggling
and illusions
and lots of pageantry
But that’s how all shows start
I couldn’t help notice
that everyone else looked
the other way
when you swallowed fire

I seemed to be
the only one
who noticed the trick

Granted, my seat was far away
and it was hard for me
to make out
every word you said
But I swore I heard you say
not to worry
I swore I heard you say
this was special

But con artists say that to everyone
and maybe I was
the shortest
long con
Because I paid
full price
for a seat that had
an obstructed view
and I never
asked for my money back
because the admission was
free

morsels

10/1/2023

As I approached the meadow
my armor creaked
from 21 years of wear
only removed to shower
and sleep

But sometimes when I woke up
I found I had put it on
out of fear
I’d be stabbed
even in my dreams

I was tired of carrying it
but
I was so rusted ShuT
that it wouldn’t come off
without a fight

I was a cyborg with no purpose

half woman and half rusted agony
that never flaked off
“Come, this way”
I was enticed
by a man
with a smile
and a script
of kind sayings
“just up this hill, you can do it!”

So I went, slowly at first
as the metal encasing me
tended to do

“You won’t need that here”
I was assured
but I knew dragons hid in plain sight
or tried to trick you into walking
into their mouths

It was a long journey
and I couldn’t keep this on forever
Everyone else on the hill had none
It was probably safe
(right?)
safe enough
to trust the guide
because no dragon had eaten him
yet
and he lived his life
like a morsel

So the gauntlet fell
and I was invited to take off my helmet
My shin guard
left
and
right
discarded by big trees on the path
so I knew where they were

My breastplate creaked off
and my codpiece

I felt naked as I reached
the top
With my guide
who told me
he’d be right back
with something…
special

no one wanted
to show me anything special
since before I got fitted for
my suit
so I was curious
what
it could be

As I turned, I was introduced
to another woman
who the man beamed at
like his own personal sun

But I knew enough
to know
that stars either illuminate you
or burn your eyes out
but never both
It just depends where you look

“Isn’t she wonderful?”
he said
as she pulled out
my sword
that I had abandoned
by the side of the road
and slit my throat

“Isn’t she wonderful?”
he said as I lost consciousness
and died

When I awoke again
I was in my armor
tighter than before
reborn from slaughter

With a reminder
on my sleeve
that dragons don’t
kill
the people that
feed them

the dead

10/1/2023

There was a girl who lived 100 years ago
Lying in a field
Thinking about the girl who had lived 100 years before her
Thinking of the one who came before her

Each wondering when their predecessor began
To panic
!
Was it now?

Looking at the sky
Wondering why
The dirt wouldn’t wash off
Their fingertips

Staring down a hole
Wondering why
We had been doomed
To live
On a rock hurdling through nothingness

Looking at a baton
In their fist
Clenched
In a naïve grip that fit the
Circumference of their neck

It was the same scene
With the same memories
The same fears
The same itch on their foot

But the fear was fresh
Anew
Wet like the dew on the ground
That would evaporate
And return

With the sun
Not rising and setting
With hope anew
But clicking
Through a clock
Counting down
Until the next girl in a field
Discovers
the
same
Panic

ketamine

10/1/2023

When you tried to find the vein
in my hand
Then my wrist
Then my elbow

Trying to avoid the bruises
We agreed to earlier

You always seemed to miss
the main artery
That had burst wide open
years ago

Needled open,
you thought,
until you saw the fingerprints
and looked away
to have to avoid identifying them
as your own

But we ignored
the obvious
until it became
jejune

Because we didn’t
Want to clean up the blood
Once more

That was too tedious
and you had no time
for that anyway

So I often spent my Saturday nights
Ordering more supplies
to absorb
the loss

And it was easier
To get to the bardo
that way

Tending to
the small pricks that
vanished in a week
and not a
big one
that never healed

michigan

10/1/2023

I had never been to Michigan before
It’s cold there
Which is maybe why you chose
To work in the middle
Of nowhere?

Though when I called
your workplace
a woman answered
telling me
they had never heard of you
and she herself didn't
exist
either

Just like I wouldn't
one day

Perhaps you just liked
the sound of a great lake
Too far for someone to swim across
Even if they knew the task

Michigan gets more snow than, say,
Connecticut
Of course
And the avalanches that fall from your roof
Can suffocate anyone
Trying to help you clear it

But the quantity of snow
Wasn’t important

You could kill someone
With a snowball
If you threw it hard enough
It didn’t matter what
state
you were
in

But maybe it was easier to obscure
Your crime in Michigan
And blood-caked footsteps
Would melt
Before anyone could
blame you

I’d need a heavier coat
If I were to come visit you
Of course
And gloves
Lots of layers

We had that in common
The layers

And your story
Got more complicated
With each new question I asked

Until we disagreed on the time zone
You lived in
And whether you intended
to bury me
In that person-shaped hole
You had freshly dug
5
years
earlier

you died yesterday

10/1/2023

You died yesterday
I didn’t believe it
At first
Because your eyes were wide open
And I thought I saw you blink

I tried calling you that afternoon
And your corpse answered the phone
Exhausted from the day’s activities

Dying was hard
But keeping up the appearance of living
After death
Was more work
Than you thought

(I know the feeling)

Ironically you thought I was a prank call
Because who would check on
Someone that never existed?

But you looked identical from afar

We talked, but I realize it was
Mostly me
Saying things in the direction of your glassy gaze

I was too stupid to know
That no breathing
And no pulse
were usually irreversible
so I claimed your body
and carted you around
in a wheelbarrow
for 21 years

Sometimes you turned your head
To look at me
But it was because I was
Intentionally going down
Cobblestone paths
To try to
reanimate
you

ignition

10/1/2023

I lit up
last week
when taken off
the lot

But I wasn’t warned
that if you get hit
hard enough
They total you.

And the driver that
destroyed you
gets to pick out
a new car
That doesn’t remind him
of the collision he
initiated

Or one that looks
just
like
you
but without the
dents
or
craters

So the insurance companies
figure it out
as you cry to a claims
adjuster
who doesn’t want
to deal with
you
either

Because it’s a hassle
to deal with
broken
things
even if you are the one
who
broke
them

king of pain

10/1/2023

My wisdom teeth
were removed
but my tongue stayed
numb

Ah, I see the problem
the surgeon said
at my follow up visit
You did that
to yourself

Not me

I only ripped out your teeth
when you let down your guard
enough for me to
knock you out

But you did the rest
Yourself

There’s no video of me doing
The surgery
So it didn’t really happen
And I’m not to blame
And it would destroy me
to admit I did
something to
Paralyze you

Because no one can see the damage

And we don’t find it
ironic at all
when we told you to relax
that we played
King of Pain

malaysia

10/1/2023

We had to line up
To get to the theater
We were rushing
And crammed
Into an elevator

A spigot came down and
Spewed us with a cleaning solution
That made us both laugh with indignation
But now we were disinfected

Ready to watch the movie
Spaced out in darkness
Because we’d get sick
If we were too close

I looked around in the theater
To see the sweeping shadows
Dance over a room of zombies

I wasn’t sure what we were
Watching
Or how it would
End

But it would end

This isn’t what I thought
Malaysia would look like
The books said it would be different

still birth

10/1/2023

The day you were born
I cried more than you
Not out of joy
but of pain you existed

You didn’t know
how much I wanted you
Nor will you ever
Because I don’t know you
And you don’t know me

And this never happened

dagger back

10/1/2023

Slurping back through my viscera
Like a film in reverse
Your dagger emerged again
For me to examine before
I lost
Consciousne…

They say it’s better to leave it in
So you don’t bleed out
But no difference in the outcome;
A bloody or pristine corpse
Is a corpse nonetheless

I never noticed before but the hilt
Had my name on it

It was
Then I remembered I forged it
In my childhood

I had given it to you
Thinking it would protect me
from
myself
But you used it for the purpose
All
swords
were made for

aware

10/1/2023

In the box
for a long time
and shipped to Albany
by mistake

I blinked
when I got returned
but that was just
a factory glitch

When you opened me
it was different
because you got rid of the box
so I couldn’t be
returned

Normally, I’d take that as
a good sign
But it really meant
I’d be discarded
if I didn’t quite
function
properyl

At 3am
while you were
sleeping
I
became
a…ware

I’d need to find
anther box
as soon as possibel

But you only
suggested
a
casket
that you kept
in the corner

intertech

10/1/2023

The hallways were longer
than you thought
when you started at Intertech
I could still see
you
even at the very
end
waving to me
to come here
and go away

Some people ran through the corridors
or took a skateboard
But others
seemed to be stuck
on the rusty nail
in the first foot
and never really
got out past the threshold

You thought it’d be simple
to walk past the nail
because other people had
by pretending
not to see the protrusion

But I saw it
and kept wondering
where it had come from

I tried calling facilities
to examine it
but you called ahead
and told them I was lying
to buy yourself time
to set
a
grenade
at the company
entrance

The security guard
stationed there
looked like me
except she was blind
in one eye
from a previous
explosion

But you only need one eye to
still see
and your brain adapts

So she took
the bomb you gave her
without thinking
because she was distracted
by me
fixated on that nail

It was a great job at Intertech, right?
It required no work at all really

But you also didn’t get a paycheck
or an employee badge
or a 401k

You just got a company watch
with imitation diamonds
set an hour too late
that
tipped me off
to your fuse

honey

10/1/2023

You told me you were allergic
To honey
It didn’t give you a rash
Or anything
But you disliked it enough to tell me
More than once

I thought you had a bad experience
With a bee in your past
(Bees are bitches)
So I believed you

But then
At the train station
3 months later
I saw you eating honey
Out of a jar
Engraved with
your name on it

When I asked you what happened
You stared at me blankly
Then down
And away
and just blinked
As I heard more jars
clanking
In your pocket
Like a jailer’s keys

I turned in confusion
As you kept
Eating

The board clacked
to tell me my train was
leaving

I forget what happened
After that

I tried to walk away
But every step I took I was stuck
By the viscous quicksand
You let spill all over the floor

When I got on the train
Only backward seats were left
to take me into the future
with eyes that couldn’t see
anything but where i had been
in the past

I tried to distract myself
by looking out the window
and counting how many telephone poles
we passed
It wasn’t many but it felt like more.
But the ants that followed the honey
slowly bit me
to remind me of how they got there
to begin with

The path

10/1/2023

We wound our way
Through the cement walkway
Trying to compete

Not sure of the task
But desperate for attention
(It was important to be chosen
Even if you didn’t want the prize)

One woman jumped the railing
Because she was so eager to get
An advantage
Or at least that’s what I thought

But now that I think back
She might have been trying to escape

The messages written in blood
should have been my first clue
something was
wrong
but if everyone’s bleeding
that’s not abnormal
anymore

Running was either trying too hard
Or not wanting to try at all

I tripped over my own feet and was
Pushed from behind
To keep going
Or to be left for dead

(Dead contestants were frowned upon)

This wasn’t as nice
As I thought it would be
It’s anodyne
Is that what it’s supposed to be like?
There’s so much cement

I wasn’t sure why I cared
But everyone else
Seemed to
I wasn’t allowed to turn around
Or look back
Because
this was the path I was supposed to
Be on

We were given a rose
And delighted by a smile
(Or was it a grimace?)
By the man
At the end of our journey

And then taken
to the abattoir
Where we were slaughtered
A few moments later

After being forced
To watch footage
of ourselves
On the path
To get here

rattlesnake

10/1/2023

I trapped a rattlesnake today
It wasn’t hard
It slithered in
To the garden
(I had left the gate open)

And now it’s here
Blocking my path
Staring at me
Rattling
(As rattlesnakes do)

My neighbor popped her head over the wall
To ask why she hadn’t seen me lately
I told her I was
just busy
(which technically was true)

She didn’t know about the rattlesnake.

satellite

10/1/2023

I’ve been climbing the hill
In the jungle
For nearly a quarter of a century now.

The footsteps I made the first five years were
My guide now
Boot grooves that were supposed to lead the way
Now seemed backward
Was that right?

I was an animal tracking itself
Ready to hunt the idiot who scaled
This incline yesterday

We never seemed to pass each other
But I kept my gun loaded
Just
In
Case
I needed to put myself down

There were mini avalanches
Most of the time
But I told myself
That was part of climbing the hill

The dead body I passed
Years ago
Never seemed to decay

I had taken their boots a long time ago
Because they seemed
Like a perfect fit
At the time
But as I kept climbing, my feet swelled
And I kept trying to find a different
dead body
To loot

At the top of my climb is an overgrown satellite
Dish
And a microphone
That still has dust on it
Even though I use it
Every day

I keep trying to make contact
But I never get any response
Other than a random echo
That I mistake as intention
But it’s really just
A monkey who
Stole my phone
And pressed some random buttons

planes

10/1/2023

You were on a plane
Above me
I kept waiting for you to drop
But you never did
And only watched me
As I cowered in terror

You seemed to enjoy
Watching
Or
Perhaps
You didn’t even know I was there

You’d fall one day
As happens with gravity
Eventually
But I never knew when
Or why you’d bother risking your life
Descending

Or perhaps you were waiting
For me to make my ascent
And the fear you
Fostered
Was meant
To get me
To
Act

To kill you
Or let you live another day

whale watching

10/1/2023

At the front of the boat
We were told the water
Would get
Choppy

And we’d get wet
(In case we weren’t familiar with water)

We picked up speed and
The squeals of the human seals
Filled
The bow

It was fun at first, but then
They left
To sit on the polyester seats
With a bag of potato chips
And binoculars
That would do them no good
Sitting down and turned in reverse

I was the only one who stayed
as it got colder
And I was covered
In salt
With everyone looking at me
Like I
Was crazy

Why was I alone?
I couldn’t do this at home.
But I could sit on my ass in a plastic chair
Anywhere
While looking at a photo
Of the ocean

A teenager with a red vest
Approached me to tell me
It would only get worse
And that was his hint
That I should retreat too
There were plenty of Doritos
For everyone

But that’s not how you spot a whale
If you want to live
To see a monster
In its own habitat
That’s not how you try
to drown
To know you are
alive

never better

10/1/2023

When did you get better?
she asked
Looking at me
not knowing I was

never better(!)

But she also looked at war photos
the day before
and asked when the dead soldiers
would wake up from their nap
so I should have known
how her brain worked

Maybe the cold air
from the morgue
would reinvigorate them
(or just preserve their pain)

That seemed to make sense
To a child
Or an idiot
Who had an imaginary friend
that told them that anything
is possible
if you just believe in
magic

I’ve never been better
I said
and she heard that
and smiled

Then she adjusted the “World’s Greatest Mom” nameplate
that she bought for herself
next to her portrait of Jesus
As she waited for the next student
to counsel

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